I was blissfully in a head stand (Sirsha-asana ), one I had been keeping for far longer than I normally do. I was feeling so incredibly peaceful and almost out of myself.
Along comes a big fat black ant, crawls it’s way on my yoga mat and up my chin. I of course feel it and then a split second later see the blurry black bastard; I let out a “AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUHGAH” and proceed to flail then fall flat on my face.
Ha Ha Ha, very funny.
*shakes fist*
I am slowing getting better, at first I could barely sit still for more than a minute before my body started working against me; itching and twitching, my mind starting to race. Perhaps aside from practice it also has a lot to do with genuinely liking yourself, if you’re leaving everything behind and spending a long drawn out period of time just with yourself, you better damn well like that person.
I didn’t, or at least the person I was attempting to become. It was like every time I tried to clear my mind and relax, my brain took the chance it could while I wasn’t distracted to tell me in great detail how much I was betraying myself. For the most part it was just me being unable to lull things, tiny scant nonessential happenings from my day would just start flying through my head like a swarm of locus. It generally would go something like this;
Me; “Ok, yeah hi… So this might help us be less crazy so, I think we should give it a shot”
Mind “You do understand that you are talking to yourself about NOT being crazy right?”
Me “Shut up and find tranquility!”
Mind” Now you are argueing with yourself….”
Me ” PlEASE! I need to clear you and relax”
Mind “Okay, lets breath…..”
.
.
.
.
Mind “Oh hey, did you feed the cat?”
Me “YES! SHHH!!”
Mind “sorry….”
.
.
.
.
Mind “Personally I think Lindsey Lohan looks much better with a little weight on her….Oops sorry again! Shh right?”
Me “Sigh”
.
.
.
.
Mind “You know I never really used to like Dark chocolate, but it’s actually quite delectable!”
Me “Mmm chocolate would be good right now, do we hav- NO! Damn it meditate!”
.
.
.
.
Mind “Do you need a Mantra? We should google a nice one.”
Me ” No, I’m fine thank you”
.
.
.
.
Mind “Your life is going nowhere you know!?”
Me “Oh screw it.”
and so on.
As I am coming to like Mya a little bit more (which is coming to me quite easy after being just a little bit truer to myself than before) and with practice and focus things are coming along a little bit better.
When all is not quiet I seem to have accessed a deeper voice, a truer one that very well may just be me, but this “me” is calm wise and truthful and very loving.
There have been points where she comes and says something so profound that I need to stop and write it down from fear of losing this sudden ephipany. So I have made sure to always have my faithful note book close by just in case.
I feel guilt for repressing this “me” for so long, she’s not loud at all and I imagine has been drowned out by all the lesser and more obnoxious voices in my head.
Wow, am I ever making myself out to sound like a complete nutter.
Bottom line is crazy or not, I have been so much calmer lately, not to mention in better shape both emotionally and physically. So yeah maybe it’s crazy, but it’s not unwelcome.
As I was in class last week, everyone was in Shavasana. I was clear and the cold breeze on my skin was just beginning to trickle it’s way up my body, when the little Wise me spoke up. Told me things would be okay, It’s only appropriate that wise me has a little attitude, she is ME after all. So much so in fact that she made me laugh.
Imagine it, the calmest place in my universe, everyone is dead silent and here I am trying to choke back a laugh because I told myself a joke.
So no, I haven’t quite got the hang of it yet, no I’m probably not even a quarter ways there yet (Please note my “YET”). I don’t dread it anymore though, I used to feel self conscious in the group, worried about messing it up or inconveniencing someone. How could I mess up Shavasana? Gods I don’t know, but I probably could… a coughing fit, a seizure, spontaneous combustion. All highly distracting for those around me trying to concentrate.
I DO look forward to it now though, my mind is an amazing world that only I can visit, mine seems so wild to me and little by little I’m erecting street signs and paving the way through.
Maybe I’ll get there, but really right now it’s the journey that’s intriging me.
How are you?
A question that could be answered in a long diatribe of a novel, an inner monologue that has not ceased to blather on and on in my head regardless of how much I’ve demanded, begged and even bribed it to stop, still it expatiates.For now lets not, lets try and disinvolve things, make them absolute, simple.
How are you? Picture things, as a metaphor as to try and keep focused. First thought, a scribble. A scribbled piece of paper torn from my note book, the paper once contained an elaborate story, an article, composition, disquisition, manuscript…whatever. Something I have made, poured my soul in to, but then locked myself in to, something I had been so attached to I had forgoten how to create anything else. The freedom and fear of leaving something I’ve worked so hard on makes me feel exhilarant, and slightly overwhelmed. It’s not lost, it’s just a chapter finished, so on to the next one.
Scribbles, chaotic to say the least, but yet I feel peaceful more or less. Whether or not this is a plus or a negative for my character I’m not sure. As I have learned from the dancing Shiva, from destruction comes rebirth, and if we try and work against change it only ends up badly. Stagnant water attracts cruel insects.
Second question, “Where are you going?” a simple answer? Fucked if I know. Do you? Please let me know… actually don’t. Lets skip again the inner voices screaming to be acknowledged
“oooh oooh, me me!”
“No ME!!!”
“Don’t listen to those losers! Pick me!!”
Again let’s go with the minimalist metaphor. A blank piece of paper, still safely embedded in my note book, although I scribbled so ferociously on the previous page, it’s permanently etched on to this new page if you look close enough. Regardless, it’s new, fresh and crisp, and most of all mine, mine alone to write, draw, or even scribble more if I wish. Maybe I’ll make a paper crane.
