Filed under: life
shifting shifting, I gained plenty of incite last year, when it comes to understanding myself.
I can analyze every damn person in the room, and be more or less spot on, but when it comes to me… I’m am perplexed as ever.
…but I’ve gotten better, and much less critical.
Last year was a lot about liberation, gaining back parts of myself I thought long gone.
Think of a Princess locked in the tallest room, in the tallest castle, guarded by a fearsome dragon, and then imagine a prince, rescuing that fair maiden.
Now heres the catch, I AM the Princess, I am also the Prince, and I am clearly the Dragon as well. None of which were slayed or banished, they all just learned (or are still learning) to live with each other. To be silent for a while and let me interact with my most wisest higher self.
This year, so far has been about loss, and acceptance. There are exciting prospects, for change and adventure…. but so far it hasn’t been without grief.
Losing my Grams, who was a very strong woman, long ago when she still inhabited her mind, but she’s so much more free now than she has been in years. There was a time in my life, that I lost contact with my family, for 2 or 3 years we didn’t speak. Now in this time, my sister was born, I missed her early years, my dearest friend, bandit the rottweiler passed away. and my Grams lost her control of her mind and contracted dementia. I have never been one to regret, as I DO believe in a higher purpose, but this time estranged is the closest thing I feel to regret. She was never the same again, fluttering in and out of reality. She is with her beloved Jack now, and they can finally soar together, like the butterflies she so adored.
Another source of loss this year, is the loss of friends. Friends going away for the winter, friends becoming reclusive, friends leaving salt spring. Now I understand that this really isn’t a “loss” per say, as things shifts and true friendship flourishes where ever you are, it’s all just the evolution and vicissitude that we need to go on, but it still hurts like hell.
A certain person in particulars departure is weighing heavily on me, it has kind of crept up on me, everything in his regard has. Incredibly unexpected pleasantries. Regardless of the sad departure it also holds an air of happiness, happy that he is brave and facing change head on, a change that will make for a better life, a hopefully fulfilling path, or at least a new one… so how can I be completely sad when I know so much good is going to come out of it? Still though, that being said…. much grief is felt.
Haiti, I can’t even explain myself like I just did with the others, and I shouldn’t have to. The world feels my devastation, my outrage, my shame. I hope that the things I am trying to do to help, is just a fraction of what most of the world feels. I thank god for the beautiful safe loving community I live in. The one thats so willing to help the helpless, the real super heroes you know?
I’m selling all my video games, my DVDs and my bike, my furniture and anything I don’t truly need. I am going to travel this year, to discipline myself, to better myself and to further acquaint myself with me….my future… and that I deserve a future. I have ideas, I have great fears. but most of all I have hope.
And god damn, this land of me has been so barren of hope for so long, fear aside it feels bloody amazing.
Depression, I am aware of it, I’ll observe it and even embrace it, for it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be disrespectful of the things that are deserving my grief…. but I won’t fall down that rabbit hole, never ever again, will I let such a small aspect of myself hold me captive in the highest room, in the highest tower.
Giddy-up
I left you all around 2:30am earth time, thinking I was done. I stumbled down my rabbit hole in a silent journey, a solitary waltz through transcendent illuminant faery woods. Guided by my sense of fearlessness, drowning out any scary sound or shadow.
It’s not real, you’re brave, you’re strong.
After a fierce battle with the bathrooms space time flux, alternating between realities, all the while pissing out my heart, soul and every last ounce of chi….or so I would have thought.
I found my way to my tent, or rather jumped in to its small opening because gods help me it WAS getting smaller.
It’s 3 am and I’m wide awake, perhaps? I can hear music. Good, the parties started again, now no one will bother me for a while. Lets explore my vast wasteland of a mind.
It’s quarter after 3 and I’m fucking swimming, yeah I know I’m in my tent, but logic aside, I’m swimming. Kicking my feet, gliding through the great ocean of Mya, I arrive at my first destination, which is actually going to become a grounding point for me from now on. If I get too lost please return me to level one, home base.
An indian palace, with hanging scarves and billowing saris swaying in the wind in the supposed hot indian night.
Pretty dancing ladies, ooh a harem? for me? How keen. So as much as I’d like to stay here with my scarves, my women and my gods, I’m being pulled away. Maybe I could sleep now? No? Didn’t think so.
As grateful as I am to ganesh and all his colours I float away from my palace…. no wait…still swimming.
It’s becoming increasing evident that sleep is an illusive bitch, and that when she does come it will be a surprise, like a baseball bat. OUCH! Zzzzzzzzz….
Where is Cherie? I’m so glad to trip by myself. Although I may be swimming in a majestic sparkle sea in reality I’m pretty sure I’m mumbling and undulating on my yoga mat like a possessed maggot. I would most certainly scare that poor girl. Solitude is welcome.
More traveling, more sleep hunting. Suddenly it occurs to me that another bathroom journey is mandatory, no no no you can not pee in a cup, even if you had one your hand eye coordination would betray you I am quite sure.
My ears are swirling, okay lets go.
Is the sun coming up? Everything seems to be glowing slightly, it’s helpful whatever it is.
I’ve made it to the bathroom, EGO even when high is far too large, will NOT piss on myself, I WILL stay put in this reality if only for a moment while I do my business.
Suddenly a wave of fear hits me like a brick. Oh….my….god…. Am I peeing in my tent? No, no you arent, daft cow. Still in the toilet which happens to be conveniently located on a space time continuum.
Flip flopping between alternate realities, little worlds being forgotten as fast as they’re being made up, all the while fumbling to find toilet paper.
I AM TRIUMPHANT!!!!
Again dodging the fear and shadows, I stay to the path. I remember in all the myths and faerie tales they always tell them to stick to the path, and the stupid fuckers never do, then they are lost, maybe even forever. Not me though, I am on a mission, and it requires me back at home base, Arabic palace…Indian..whatever.
I’m home and sleep is seeming a little less like something I made up once. In fact after flip flopping for another couple minutes? Hours? Years? I finally fall asleep. I know I’m asleep because everything just shuts the hell up and lets me be. Those pestering colours and squiggles finally subside, collapsed in to nothing, a beautiful black hole, no anything, no movement, no colour, no smell, taste, feel….just nothing… this is how I know I’m really asleep.
9am rolls around, I’m up, still slightly high, maybe a little more than slightly. I’m grounded now though, in whatever reality I’ve crash landed in.
Tumbling between madness and sobriety I realize that I am disgustingly filthy, so repulsive and vulgar, this is unacceptable.
Also unacceptable is still being fucking high!
I have a cunning plan! I grab my towel and change in to shorts and run, possibly fly to the lake determined to be not so gross…
SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Fuuuuuck it’s cccccccccold, but lovely none the less. I bath on the side of the lake. Motel 6 shampoo with added conditioner.
I feel better, and that brings me to now. Slightly damp and much much cleaner, sipping tea and trying not to let my tongue eat its self.
Stay here Mya, we’re done for today, put down the pen before it’s too late.
written august 7th 2009…. after a long night.
Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it. The opposite of death, life and love are one in the same, indifference.
To live life souly as an individual being, we are in a constant state of decline, the past increases, the future recedes. To live life as a whole, as a community we are in constant growth and just about as immortal as we will ever be.
Loneliness stands cold, locked outside my home. Leering through my window. Depression tries over and over again, despite failed attempts to hold my hand.Acknowledged but powerless, my negative aspects twitch with frustration.
I’ll never be rid of you, you’re a part of me, you’re part of the universal and personal balance, and I accept that…. but never ever again will I let you own me.
All tangled in his tongue
All full of wine her words betray her
confessing her felt pen amendment
moving farther away from her intentions
a new conquest each day, as another fades away
not forever, just for today.
What it is, it’s so conceptual, so two dimentional
what and who she really wants is still debatable
a conflict of interest, a constant hinderance.
fleeting thoughts, her wings beat bruises deep in to her heart
freedom verses love.
There is trash here, trash on our beaches
in our bodies
on our minds
sediment in our hearts.
All we see, breath, and take in is polluted, being fed to us like pigs to the slop in every way imaginable.
Hormones in our food (eat more, be bigger, CONSUME)
Pop up advertisements on our web pages (buy buy , bigger bigger , flash flash !)
Commercials soiling our already soiled television shows ( we now return you to your regularly programmed shite)
The meat we eat, tainted with chemicals. Not the mention torture and pain, the produce isn’t much better (eat your veggies kids!)
The air around me buzzes with smog, invisible poisons that I couldn’t name, and never mind spell if you had a gun to my head (which, there really kind of is).
What is sacred anymore? What is immune? Nothing, nothing is sacrosanct to society anymore. You would be foolish to think otherwise. We seemed to have misplaced the ability to respect anything, especially ourselves.
We are Natures teenage middle class, over privileged snotty kid. Angry and destructive for no good reason, unable to focus on the brilliance that just IS.
I can feel the stare, the gaze my reflection returns from cold glass eyes; asking “Well what makes YOU so different then? Miss All knowing, Miss Wisdom?”. My answer pains me, but I knew it far before my glassy friend asked. I am no different, and if I am it’s miniscule. My curse, or my blessing (it works both ways), is the awareness that most people repress. Observation and attentiveness to detail, I am in fact unable to turn it off, I have tried on many occasions. I am aware of my faults, and humanities faults we share;
Lethargy
Self doubt
EGO
All fueled by fear, like some fucked up head case lowrider tricked out to royally screw myself and anyone I hold dear. That doesn’t matter though right? Because damn it looks fine.
I find it pathetic, our individual and shared dilemmas are more often than not quite simple to solve, SIMPLE. Although again please don’t confuse simple, with easy. Our culture thrives on doing what is easy. It is very easy to let our emotions control us, easy to be led like starved cattle by our egos.
It’s simple to eat better, love better, live better. To quell that arrogant pimple faced child inside of us, and just live life as it should be; with respect for whats been given to us, respect for our bodies and souls.
Purge the trash you and I spout to each other, and speak the truth. Quit speaking from behind smoke screens and just practice truism; despite our boundless fear of it. Purge the adversion to fact, we are killing our future, our childrens future, our mother planet. We are fucking up big time and it would be so
simple
just
to
stop
Simple. Stop. Breath. See. Taste. Love. Live. Start again, mind clear and fog lifted. So very simple, yet so incredibly despondent.
the only point -indefinitely- to anger (or at least the anger I understand) is to allow you to associate yourself with happiness. Without dark there is no light and without strife delight is just another sugar high. That’s one of the better ways to look at it while things are tough, it’s helped me get along.
One way to self redemption is understanding that finding perfection is like attempting to sit in the corner of a circular room. As are most things we deem so crucial in life perfection is mostly temporary and pretty much relative, or in other words one mans trash is another mans treasure.
To someone you are a complete buffoon, a bumbling moron
To someone else you are a brilliant mind, an absolute genius.
For example the one we hold in highest regards and respect, often feels left down at the bottom without some what constant reassurance.
That brings me to one of God/dess’s biggest mistakes when making us. Too much imagination (not that I am complaining)
From birth we need regular reassurance of the things we already know but are even the tiniest bit uneasy about.
Am I fat? Is this OK? Am I good enough? Do you love me? Do I love you? Am I a bad person? What am I WORTH? Why am I here?
Without distraction our minds are left to wonder and explore our deepest insecurities. If we didn’t keep putting such complexity on simple concepts, then it wouldn’t be so difficult to grasp the aspect of balance and the importance of the truly exceptional things in this life. Those that are always there in some way or form, whether we notice it or not.
I’ve spent hours trying to explain what these things are to people and to myself, sometimes I get it, sometimes I don’t. As it is, there really is no such thing as easy way out. hell I’m not even sure I WANT out. Find out for your self the meaning of balance and what really matters, because the truth is you already know. It’s simple, but not easy, those two don’t always come hand and hand.
You already know, someone loves you and someone hates you, someone would kill to be you and someone else is damn glad they aren’t. You know you will be shunned, praised, rewarded, used, enabled, and patronized.
It’s hard, it’s frustrating and sometimes seemingly impossible, but it’s a gift. It’s life and it’s a damn fine ride.
I don’t need to be the best at everything…….. just not the worst. That won’t stop me from trying though.
It’s alright to say no….. just not polite. Somtimes being polite in the moment out of fear of speaking your mind, can make you out to be a real asshole in the future.
Just because I can’t do somthing on the first try, doesn’t mean I should be embarressed and quit. Most people are too caught up in themselves to even notice I’ve made a mistake. What a strange mixture of ego and humility, maybe try and find a nice balance between the two.
There is, very little reason to ever get angry. I’ll Hang up my gloves, I’m only hurting myself. Breath.
It’s okay not to be everything to everyone, in fact it would probably make my life a lot simpler not to be.
Work on my patience, discipline generosity and ambition. Embrace my passion, dreams and serenity. Lastly although it is part of being human, try and purge most of my ignorance, aggression and ESPECIALLY in my case lethargy.
Laughter, friendship and truth. These are the things that make me happy.
How are you?
A question that could be answered in a long diatribe of a novel, an inner monologue that has not ceased to blather on and on in my head regardless of how much I’ve demanded, begged and even bribed it to stop, still it expatiates.For now lets not, lets try and disinvolve things, make them absolute, simple.
How are you? Picture things, as a metaphor as to try and keep focused. First thought, a scribble. A scribbled piece of paper torn from my note book, the paper once contained an elaborate story, an article, composition, disquisition, manuscript…whatever. Something I have made, poured my soul in to, but then locked myself in to, something I had been so attached to I had forgoten how to create anything else. The freedom and fear of leaving something I’ve worked so hard on makes me feel exhilarant, and slightly overwhelmed. It’s not lost, it’s just a chapter finished, so on to the next one.
Scribbles, chaotic to say the least, but yet I feel peaceful more or less. Whether or not this is a plus or a negative for my character I’m not sure. As I have learned from the dancing Shiva, from destruction comes rebirth, and if we try and work against change it only ends up badly. Stagnant water attracts cruel insects.
Second question, “Where are you going?” a simple answer? Fucked if I know. Do you? Please let me know… actually don’t. Lets skip again the inner voices screaming to be acknowledged
“oooh oooh, me me!”
“No ME!!!”
“Don’t listen to those losers! Pick me!!”
Again let’s go with the minimalist metaphor. A blank piece of paper, still safely embedded in my note book, although I scribbled so ferociously on the previous page, it’s permanently etched on to this new page if you look close enough. Regardless, it’s new, fresh and crisp, and most of all mine, mine alone to write, draw, or even scribble more if I wish. Maybe I’ll make a paper crane.
