Tempus Edax Rerum ….in the meantime

No more ashes to ashes
No more cinders from the sky
And all the laws of creation
Tell a dead man how to die

There is one word to the morning
There is one word to the truth
There is one word back to civilization
Well there is no word back to you

The first few paragraphs are an unsent letter deticated to an ex from a while back, he was quite inconsequential in my life, but a bridge out of somewhere I didn’t want to be in his own right. After that I just kept writing.

“I hope you liked her, it would be romantic to say that I made her for you, and perhaps I’ll let you believe that I did, or that even she was me, but I didn’t and she’s not.

Although I can tell you this, you made it simple for me to be her, it wasn’t a heavy burden to conceal the fires than burned beneath that cool and calm exterior. I liked her. Everyone did.

A work of art, some people write stories, others craft sculptures, and various other seemingly endless mediums. I crafted flesh and bone, I designed a personality. I embodied and let myself become completely encompassed by my own creation. At that point in my life I had abandoned myself so heavily that I was left with a near blank canvass to work with.

Don’t for a moment think, that I am attempting to convoy a lost sense of self, or embrace pity. I knew all the while that my creation was only a fragment of the multifaceted rough in the diamond that is myself.

I do admit, for a while I thought I could stop renting the property and start building a life there, perhaps this facet of me was one I could comfortably grow old in and forget about the rest of the more unsavoury or socially unacceptable by the majority.

Of course not.

As collected and charismatic as I seemed. I still went home, closed the curtains and let go of the veils that surrounded me. I screamed and howled at the moon, I wrote and scribbled franticly, I spoke and listened to voices that wernt there -or at least not the “there” you know- I annihilated my body from the inside and expanded my mind by tearing in to and feasting on the substance of the collective universal consciousness. There was, is and always will be balance even if I can only see it. Even if I can’t.

I embrace it.

And then you did something very silly; You sort of kind of fell in love with her. You began to shed your own veils behind closed doors, but in her presence. In my presence, as I watched you open yourself up ever so slightly to someone who you thought to be genuine. To a gollum.

That fragmented percentage felt for you too though, so please, don’t feel bitter. From what I gave, the glimpse I showed you, that tiny piece of me loved you too.”

I am not sure where the skill and pleasure that comes from moulding my outer core came from, or when it started. Childhood trauma? Lack of children and far too many adult influence as a child? I’m sure the “professionals” would have an interesting time figuring that one out and for each one a diagnosis and chemical cure would be prescribed.

Even becoming, if even for a short time the overly medicated somewhat sedated girl seems appealing. Only for a while though, I wear these skins but they all come with expirey dates, they all rot and flake away like someones old dinner left unfinished to decay, until another meal is served, hot and steaming.

Humans, and everything they know and think they know, are nothing short of just damn neat. So incredibly interesting.

Their brains, their body language, the secrets they tell without uttering a word. All you have to do is pay attention. We are these fantastically intricate and advanced machines, just surging with power and potential, but power is hard to handle and potential takes effort and some one else will do that for us right?

Why wipe the dribble from our mouths when someone else will.
I am coming off as egotistical, and pretentious and perhaps even as someone sporting a huge messiah complex. This isn’t true, I on a normal day like myself probably even less than the average self loathing North American Joe. I envy those who have chosen their path and stuck to it, those mundane cookie cutter personalities served thick like a paste. The certainty and acceptance of being totally mediocre, and the peace that comes with ignorance.

I have never been granted ignorance that wasn’t self medicated. I see what they want, and if I like them I grant them said person, and if I don’t I give something very different. On a different level, if I love them. I give them me, whether they like it or not.

So maybe I am choosing to use my gifts from the powers that be, those gifts of awareness and knowledge outside of the “norm” for frivolous reasons, maybe even squandering them or wasting even.

There is a certain amount of vexed irritation that comes with gifts without guidance, imagine receiving a ten thousand piece puzzle with no image reference for Christmas.

Thanks a fucking lot.

Empathy, balanced with Apathy. Knowledge balanced with arrogance. Compassion balanced with Heavy Scepticism. I get that, I get the balance thing, and I am grateful for the understanding of that importance. What I have yet to find out in my near 26 years of life is the point of all this awareness. Why me? What great opportunity have I been granted to utilize these talents as anything but party tricks.
Guidance to understand the complete and total labyrinth that lays beneath my skull, the one that I after all this time have only just scratched the surface of.

Who the hell could give that? Or even fathom me as anything but a mind fucking ego maniac with a big problem with boredom. It isn’t true. I love those who I eat, and those who eat me. We subconsiously share our souls on a silver plater and dig in, and there is nothing wrong with that.

“If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
Kurt Vonnegut”