Filed under: life
shifting shifting, I gained plenty of incite last year, when it comes to understanding myself.
I can analyze every damn person in the room, and be more or less spot on, but when it comes to me… I’m am perplexed as ever.
…but I’ve gotten better, and much less critical.
Last year was a lot about liberation, gaining back parts of myself I thought long gone.
Think of a Princess locked in the tallest room, in the tallest castle, guarded by a fearsome dragon, and then imagine a prince, rescuing that fair maiden.
Now heres the catch, I AM the Princess, I am also the Prince, and I am clearly the Dragon as well. None of which were slayed or banished, they all just learned (or are still learning) to live with each other. To be silent for a while and let me interact with my most wisest higher self.
This year, so far has been about loss, and acceptance. There are exciting prospects, for change and adventure…. but so far it hasn’t been without grief.
Losing my Grams, who was a very strong woman, long ago when she still inhabited her mind, but she’s so much more free now than she has been in years. There was a time in my life, that I lost contact with my family, for 2 or 3 years we didn’t speak. Now in this time, my sister was born, I missed her early years, my dearest friend, bandit the rottweiler passed away. and my Grams lost her control of her mind and contracted dementia. I have never been one to regret, as I DO believe in a higher purpose, but this time estranged is the closest thing I feel to regret. She was never the same again, fluttering in and out of reality. She is with her beloved Jack now, and they can finally soar together, like the butterflies she so adored.
Another source of loss this year, is the loss of friends. Friends going away for the winter, friends becoming reclusive, friends leaving salt spring. Now I understand that this really isn’t a “loss” per say, as things shifts and true friendship flourishes where ever you are, it’s all just the evolution and vicissitude that we need to go on, but it still hurts like hell.
A certain person in particulars departure is weighing heavily on me, it has kind of crept up on me, everything in his regard has. Incredibly unexpected pleasantries. Regardless of the sad departure it also holds an air of happiness, happy that he is brave and facing change head on, a change that will make for a better life, a hopefully fulfilling path, or at least a new one… so how can I be completely sad when I know so much good is going to come out of it? Still though, that being said…. much grief is felt.
Haiti, I can’t even explain myself like I just did with the others, and I shouldn’t have to. The world feels my devastation, my outrage, my shame. I hope that the things I am trying to do to help, is just a fraction of what most of the world feels. I thank god for the beautiful safe loving community I live in. The one thats so willing to help the helpless, the real super heroes you know?
I’m selling all my video games, my DVDs and my bike, my furniture and anything I don’t truly need. I am going to travel this year, to discipline myself, to better myself and to further acquaint myself with me….my future… and that I deserve a future. I have ideas, I have great fears. but most of all I have hope.
And god damn, this land of me has been so barren of hope for so long, fear aside it feels bloody amazing.
Depression, I am aware of it, I’ll observe it and even embrace it, for it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be disrespectful of the things that are deserving my grief…. but I won’t fall down that rabbit hole, never ever again, will I let such a small aspect of myself hold me captive in the highest room, in the highest tower.
Giddy-up
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some times i think you don’t give a shit about things except for your self then i read your blogs and i find much more. i find it to bad that our paths were not closer to one another cause i think there is much you could learn from me and me from you. but such is life.
Comment by thisguyscott January 26, 2010 @ 5:51 amOnce again you shine in your writings. Thank you and good luck with yourself. I follow you and comment a time or two, but silence from you. No matter your still a splender to read. :)
Comment by RegalT January 26, 2010 @ 7:51 pm