Filed under: life
shifting shifting, I gained plenty of incite last year, when it comes to understanding myself.
I can analyze every damn person in the room, and be more or less spot on, but when it comes to me… I’m am perplexed as ever.
…but I’ve gotten better, and much less critical.
Last year was a lot about liberation, gaining back parts of myself I thought long gone.
Think of a Princess locked in the tallest room, in the tallest castle, guarded by a fearsome dragon, and then imagine a prince, rescuing that fair maiden.
Now heres the catch, I AM the Princess, I am also the Prince, and I am clearly the Dragon as well. None of which were slayed or banished, they all just learned (or are still learning) to live with each other. To be silent for a while and let me interact with my most wisest higher self.
This year, so far has been about loss, and acceptance. There are exciting prospects, for change and adventure…. but so far it hasn’t been without grief.
Losing my Grams, who was a very strong woman, long ago when she still inhabited her mind, but she’s so much more free now than she has been in years. There was a time in my life, that I lost contact with my family, for 2 or 3 years we didn’t speak. Now in this time, my sister was born, I missed her early years, my dearest friend, bandit the rottweiler passed away. and my Grams lost her control of her mind and contracted dementia. I have never been one to regret, as I DO believe in a higher purpose, but this time estranged is the closest thing I feel to regret. She was never the same again, fluttering in and out of reality. She is with her beloved Jack now, and they can finally soar together, like the butterflies she so adored.
Another source of loss this year, is the loss of friends. Friends going away for the winter, friends becoming reclusive, friends leaving salt spring. Now I understand that this really isn’t a “loss” per say, as things shifts and true friendship flourishes where ever you are, it’s all just the evolution and vicissitude that we need to go on, but it still hurts like hell.
A certain person in particulars departure is weighing heavily on me, it has kind of crept up on me, everything in his regard has. Incredibly unexpected pleasantries. Regardless of the sad departure it also holds an air of happiness, happy that he is brave and facing change head on, a change that will make for a better life, a hopefully fulfilling path, or at least a new one… so how can I be completely sad when I know so much good is going to come out of it? Still though, that being said…. much grief is felt.
Haiti, I can’t even explain myself like I just did with the others, and I shouldn’t have to. The world feels my devastation, my outrage, my shame. I hope that the things I am trying to do to help, is just a fraction of what most of the world feels. I thank god for the beautiful safe loving community I live in. The one thats so willing to help the helpless, the real super heroes you know?
I’m selling all my video games, my DVDs and my bike, my furniture and anything I don’t truly need. I am going to travel this year, to discipline myself, to better myself and to further acquaint myself with me….my future… and that I deserve a future. I have ideas, I have great fears. but most of all I have hope.
And god damn, this land of me has been so barren of hope for so long, fear aside it feels bloody amazing.
Depression, I am aware of it, I’ll observe it and even embrace it, for it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be disrespectful of the things that are deserving my grief…. but I won’t fall down that rabbit hole, never ever again, will I let such a small aspect of myself hold me captive in the highest room, in the highest tower.
Giddy-up
I left you all around 2:30am earth time, thinking I was done. I stumbled down my rabbit hole in a silent journey, a solitary waltz through transcendent illuminant faery woods. Guided by my sense of fearlessness, drowning out any scary sound or shadow.
It’s not real, you’re brave, you’re strong.
After a fierce battle with the bathrooms space time flux, alternating between realities, all the while pissing out my heart, soul and every last ounce of chi….or so I would have thought.
I found my way to my tent, or rather jumped in to its small opening because gods help me it WAS getting smaller.
It’s 3 am and I’m wide awake, perhaps? I can hear music. Good, the parties started again, now no one will bother me for a while. Lets explore my vast wasteland of a mind.
It’s quarter after 3 and I’m fucking swimming, yeah I know I’m in my tent, but logic aside, I’m swimming. Kicking my feet, gliding through the great ocean of Mya, I arrive at my first destination, which is actually going to become a grounding point for me from now on. If I get too lost please return me to level one, home base.
An indian palace, with hanging scarves and billowing saris swaying in the wind in the supposed hot indian night.
Pretty dancing ladies, ooh a harem? for me? How keen. So as much as I’d like to stay here with my scarves, my women and my gods, I’m being pulled away. Maybe I could sleep now? No? Didn’t think so.
As grateful as I am to ganesh and all his colours I float away from my palace…. no wait…still swimming.
It’s becoming increasing evident that sleep is an illusive bitch, and that when she does come it will be a surprise, like a baseball bat. OUCH! Zzzzzzzzz….
Where is Cherie? I’m so glad to trip by myself. Although I may be swimming in a majestic sparkle sea in reality I’m pretty sure I’m mumbling and undulating on my yoga mat like a possessed maggot. I would most certainly scare that poor girl. Solitude is welcome.
More traveling, more sleep hunting. Suddenly it occurs to me that another bathroom journey is mandatory, no no no you can not pee in a cup, even if you had one your hand eye coordination would betray you I am quite sure.
My ears are swirling, okay lets go.
Is the sun coming up? Everything seems to be glowing slightly, it’s helpful whatever it is.
I’ve made it to the bathroom, EGO even when high is far too large, will NOT piss on myself, I WILL stay put in this reality if only for a moment while I do my business.
Suddenly a wave of fear hits me like a brick. Oh….my….god…. Am I peeing in my tent? No, no you arent, daft cow. Still in the toilet which happens to be conveniently located on a space time continuum.
Flip flopping between alternate realities, little worlds being forgotten as fast as they’re being made up, all the while fumbling to find toilet paper.
I AM TRIUMPHANT!!!!
Again dodging the fear and shadows, I stay to the path. I remember in all the myths and faerie tales they always tell them to stick to the path, and the stupid fuckers never do, then they are lost, maybe even forever. Not me though, I am on a mission, and it requires me back at home base, Arabic palace…Indian..whatever.
I’m home and sleep is seeming a little less like something I made up once. In fact after flip flopping for another couple minutes? Hours? Years? I finally fall asleep. I know I’m asleep because everything just shuts the hell up and lets me be. Those pestering colours and squiggles finally subside, collapsed in to nothing, a beautiful black hole, no anything, no movement, no colour, no smell, taste, feel….just nothing… this is how I know I’m really asleep.
9am rolls around, I’m up, still slightly high, maybe a little more than slightly. I’m grounded now though, in whatever reality I’ve crash landed in.
Tumbling between madness and sobriety I realize that I am disgustingly filthy, so repulsive and vulgar, this is unacceptable.
Also unacceptable is still being fucking high!
I have a cunning plan! I grab my towel and change in to shorts and run, possibly fly to the lake determined to be not so gross…
SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Fuuuuuck it’s cccccccccold, but lovely none the less. I bath on the side of the lake. Motel 6 shampoo with added conditioner.
I feel better, and that brings me to now. Slightly damp and much much cleaner, sipping tea and trying not to let my tongue eat its self.
Stay here Mya, we’re done for today, put down the pen before it’s too late.
written august 7th 2009…. after a long night.
