Filed under: Uncategorized
No more ashes to ashes
No more cinders from the sky
And all the laws of creation
Tell a dead man how to die
O deserts down below us
And storms up above
Like a stray dog gone defective
Like a paper tiger in the sun
There is one word to the morning
There is one word to the truth
There is one word back to civilization
Well there is no word back to you
Filed under: Uncategorized
The first few paragraphs are an unsent letter deticated to an ex from a while back, he was quite inconsequential in my life, but a bridge out of somewhere I didn’t want to be in his own right. After that I just kept writing.
“I hope you liked her, it would be romantic to say that I made her for you, and perhaps I’ll let you believe that I did, or that even she was me, but I didn’t and she’s not.
Although I can tell you this, you made it simple for me to be her, it wasn’t a heavy burden to conceal the fires than burned beneath that cool and calm exterior. I liked her. Everyone did.
A work of art, some people write stories, others craft sculptures, and various other seemingly endless mediums. I crafted flesh and bone, I designed a personality. I embodied and let myself become completely encompassed by my own creation. At that point in my life I had abandoned myself so heavily that I was left with a near blank canvass to work with.
Don’t for a moment think, that I am attempting to convoy a lost sense of self, or embrace pity. I knew all the while that my creation was only a fragment of the multifaceted rough in the diamond that is myself.
I do admit, for a while I thought I could stop renting the property and start building a life there, perhaps this facet of me was one I could comfortably grow old in and forget about the rest of the more unsavoury or socially unacceptable by the majority.
Of course not.
As collected and charismatic as I seemed. I still went home, closed the curtains and let go of the veils that surrounded me. I screamed and howled at the moon, I wrote and scribbled franticly, I spoke and listened to voices that wernt there -or at least not the “there” you know- I annihilated my body from the inside and expanded my mind by tearing in to and feasting on the substance of the collective universal consciousness. There was, is and always will be balance even if I can only see it. Even if I can’t.
I embrace it.
And then you did something very silly; You sort of kind of fell in love with her. You began to shed your own veils behind closed doors, but in her presence. In my presence, as I watched you open yourself up ever so slightly to someone who you thought to be genuine. To a gollum.
That fragmented percentage felt for you too though, so please, don’t feel bitter. From what I gave, the glimpse I showed you, that tiny piece of me loved you too.”
I am not sure where the skill and pleasure that comes from moulding my outer core came from, or when it started. Childhood trauma? Lack of children and far too many adult influence as a child? I’m sure the “professionals” would have an interesting time figuring that one out and for each one a diagnosis and chemical cure would be prescribed.
Even becoming, if even for a short time the overly medicated somewhat sedated girl seems appealing. Only for a while though, I wear these skins but they all come with expirey dates, they all rot and flake away like someones old dinner left unfinished to decay, until another meal is served, hot and steaming.
Humans, and everything they know and think they know, are nothing short of just damn neat. So incredibly interesting.
Their brains, their body language, the secrets they tell without uttering a word. All you have to do is pay attention. We are these fantastically intricate and advanced machines, just surging with power and potential, but power is hard to handle and potential takes effort and some one else will do that for us right?
Why wipe the dribble from our mouths when someone else will.
I am coming off as egotistical, and pretentious and perhaps even as someone sporting a huge messiah complex. This isn’t true, I on a normal day like myself probably even less than the average self loathing North American Joe. I envy those who have chosen their path and stuck to it, those mundane cookie cutter personalities served thick like a paste. The certainty and acceptance of being totally mediocre, and the peace that comes with ignorance.
I have never been granted ignorance that wasn’t self medicated. I see what they want, and if I like them I grant them said person, and if I don’t I give something very different. On a different level, if I love them. I give them me, whether they like it or not.
So maybe I am choosing to use my gifts from the powers that be, those gifts of awareness and knowledge outside of the “norm” for frivolous reasons, maybe even squandering them or wasting even.
There is a certain amount of vexed irritation that comes with gifts without guidance, imagine receiving a ten thousand piece puzzle with no image reference for Christmas.
Thanks a fucking lot.
Empathy, balanced with Apathy. Knowledge balanced with arrogance. Compassion balanced with Heavy Scepticism. I get that, I get the balance thing, and I am grateful for the understanding of that importance. What I have yet to find out in my near 26 years of life is the point of all this awareness. Why me? What great opportunity have I been granted to utilize these talents as anything but party tricks.
Guidance to understand the complete and total labyrinth that lays beneath my skull, the one that I after all this time have only just scratched the surface of.
Who the hell could give that? Or even fathom me as anything but a mind fucking ego maniac with a big problem with boredom. It isn’t true. I love those who I eat, and those who eat me. We subconsiously share our souls on a silver plater and dig in, and there is nothing wrong with that.
“If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you’re a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.
Kurt Vonnegut”
Filed under: life
shifting shifting, I gained plenty of incite last year, when it comes to understanding myself.
I can analyze every damn person in the room, and be more or less spot on, but when it comes to me… I’m am perplexed as ever.
…but I’ve gotten better, and much less critical.
Last year was a lot about liberation, gaining back parts of myself I thought long gone.
Think of a Princess locked in the tallest room, in the tallest castle, guarded by a fearsome dragon, and then imagine a prince, rescuing that fair maiden.
Now heres the catch, I AM the Princess, I am also the Prince, and I am clearly the Dragon as well. None of which were slayed or banished, they all just learned (or are still learning) to live with each other. To be silent for a while and let me interact with my most wisest higher self.
This year, so far has been about loss, and acceptance. There are exciting prospects, for change and adventure…. but so far it hasn’t been without grief.
Losing my Grams, who was a very strong woman, long ago when she still inhabited her mind, but she’s so much more free now than she has been in years. There was a time in my life, that I lost contact with my family, for 2 or 3 years we didn’t speak. Now in this time, my sister was born, I missed her early years, my dearest friend, bandit the rottweiler passed away. and my Grams lost her control of her mind and contracted dementia. I have never been one to regret, as I DO believe in a higher purpose, but this time estranged is the closest thing I feel to regret. She was never the same again, fluttering in and out of reality. She is with her beloved Jack now, and they can finally soar together, like the butterflies she so adored.
Another source of loss this year, is the loss of friends. Friends going away for the winter, friends becoming reclusive, friends leaving salt spring. Now I understand that this really isn’t a “loss” per say, as things shifts and true friendship flourishes where ever you are, it’s all just the evolution and vicissitude that we need to go on, but it still hurts like hell.
A certain person in particulars departure is weighing heavily on me, it has kind of crept up on me, everything in his regard has. Incredibly unexpected pleasantries. Regardless of the sad departure it also holds an air of happiness, happy that he is brave and facing change head on, a change that will make for a better life, a hopefully fulfilling path, or at least a new one… so how can I be completely sad when I know so much good is going to come out of it? Still though, that being said…. much grief is felt.
Haiti, I can’t even explain myself like I just did with the others, and I shouldn’t have to. The world feels my devastation, my outrage, my shame. I hope that the things I am trying to do to help, is just a fraction of what most of the world feels. I thank god for the beautiful safe loving community I live in. The one thats so willing to help the helpless, the real super heroes you know?
I’m selling all my video games, my DVDs and my bike, my furniture and anything I don’t truly need. I am going to travel this year, to discipline myself, to better myself and to further acquaint myself with me….my future… and that I deserve a future. I have ideas, I have great fears. but most of all I have hope.
And god damn, this land of me has been so barren of hope for so long, fear aside it feels bloody amazing.
Depression, I am aware of it, I’ll observe it and even embrace it, for it’s a part of me and to ignore it would be disrespectful of the things that are deserving my grief…. but I won’t fall down that rabbit hole, never ever again, will I let such a small aspect of myself hold me captive in the highest room, in the highest tower.
Giddy-up
I left you all around 2:30am earth time, thinking I was done. I stumbled down my rabbit hole in a silent journey, a solitary waltz through transcendent illuminant faery woods. Guided by my sense of fearlessness, drowning out any scary sound or shadow.
It’s not real, you’re brave, you’re strong.
After a fierce battle with the bathrooms space time flux, alternating between realities, all the while pissing out my heart, soul and every last ounce of chi….or so I would have thought.
I found my way to my tent, or rather jumped in to its small opening because gods help me it WAS getting smaller.
It’s 3 am and I’m wide awake, perhaps? I can hear music. Good, the parties started again, now no one will bother me for a while. Lets explore my vast wasteland of a mind.
It’s quarter after 3 and I’m fucking swimming, yeah I know I’m in my tent, but logic aside, I’m swimming. Kicking my feet, gliding through the great ocean of Mya, I arrive at my first destination, which is actually going to become a grounding point for me from now on. If I get too lost please return me to level one, home base.
An indian palace, with hanging scarves and billowing saris swaying in the wind in the supposed hot indian night.
Pretty dancing ladies, ooh a harem? for me? How keen. So as much as I’d like to stay here with my scarves, my women and my gods, I’m being pulled away. Maybe I could sleep now? No? Didn’t think so.
As grateful as I am to ganesh and all his colours I float away from my palace…. no wait…still swimming.
It’s becoming increasing evident that sleep is an illusive bitch, and that when she does come it will be a surprise, like a baseball bat. OUCH! Zzzzzzzzz….
Where is Cherie? I’m so glad to trip by myself. Although I may be swimming in a majestic sparkle sea in reality I’m pretty sure I’m mumbling and undulating on my yoga mat like a possessed maggot. I would most certainly scare that poor girl. Solitude is welcome.
More traveling, more sleep hunting. Suddenly it occurs to me that another bathroom journey is mandatory, no no no you can not pee in a cup, even if you had one your hand eye coordination would betray you I am quite sure.
My ears are swirling, okay lets go.
Is the sun coming up? Everything seems to be glowing slightly, it’s helpful whatever it is.
I’ve made it to the bathroom, EGO even when high is far too large, will NOT piss on myself, I WILL stay put in this reality if only for a moment while I do my business.
Suddenly a wave of fear hits me like a brick. Oh….my….god…. Am I peeing in my tent? No, no you arent, daft cow. Still in the toilet which happens to be conveniently located on a space time continuum.
Flip flopping between alternate realities, little worlds being forgotten as fast as they’re being made up, all the while fumbling to find toilet paper.
I AM TRIUMPHANT!!!!
Again dodging the fear and shadows, I stay to the path. I remember in all the myths and faerie tales they always tell them to stick to the path, and the stupid fuckers never do, then they are lost, maybe even forever. Not me though, I am on a mission, and it requires me back at home base, Arabic palace…Indian..whatever.
I’m home and sleep is seeming a little less like something I made up once. In fact after flip flopping for another couple minutes? Hours? Years? I finally fall asleep. I know I’m asleep because everything just shuts the hell up and lets me be. Those pestering colours and squiggles finally subside, collapsed in to nothing, a beautiful black hole, no anything, no movement, no colour, no smell, taste, feel….just nothing… this is how I know I’m really asleep.
9am rolls around, I’m up, still slightly high, maybe a little more than slightly. I’m grounded now though, in whatever reality I’ve crash landed in.
Tumbling between madness and sobriety I realize that I am disgustingly filthy, so repulsive and vulgar, this is unacceptable.
Also unacceptable is still being fucking high!
I have a cunning plan! I grab my towel and change in to shorts and run, possibly fly to the lake determined to be not so gross…
SPLOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH
Fuuuuuck it’s cccccccccold, but lovely none the less. I bath on the side of the lake. Motel 6 shampoo with added conditioner.
I feel better, and that brings me to now. Slightly damp and much much cleaner, sipping tea and trying not to let my tongue eat its self.
Stay here Mya, we’re done for today, put down the pen before it’s too late.
written august 7th 2009…. after a long night.
Filed under: Uncategorized
The Mind
a vacuum for knowledge, turning inwards, reflecting and projecting
all that is,
and could be,
accepting and manifesting.
I am nothing and everything.
feel,
desire,
imagine,
create.
Forever grateful to the powers that be.
Filed under: poetry
I am,
I am a mother tigress, the stripes she gave me I’ll now wear proudly, mark my body, no shame should they bring
I am
I am a lover tigress, for I have more to give than I could ever portray in words, no matter how poetic I think I am
I am, I am, I am
I am a noble beast but when pushed I’ll bite back, I protect, I avenge, I forgive, but I never forget
I am, I am, I am
Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it. The opposite of death, life and love are one in the same, indifference.
To live life souly as an individual being, we are in a constant state of decline, the past increases, the future recedes. To live life as a whole, as a community we are in constant growth and just about as immortal as we will ever be.
Loneliness stands cold, locked outside my home. Leering through my window. Depression tries over and over again, despite failed attempts to hold my hand.Acknowledged but powerless, my negative aspects twitch with frustration.
I’ll never be rid of you, you’re a part of me, you’re part of the universal and personal balance, and I accept that…. but never ever again will I let you own me.
“i should go forth on the shortest walk perchance, in the spirit of undying adventure, never to return, – prepared to send back an embalmed heart only as a relic to our desolate kingdoms”
and up on this adventure, in which ill so willingly embark, paths shall pave themselves before my eyes, dissolving in dust behind me. leaving nothing in my wake but a sparkling memory. blind profit eyes follow my every move, judging with unquenchablde delight.
The hardest of hearts landed with all the grace of a stone feather, dusting myself off and journeying deeper through the walls I’ve built, not by hand but by stubborn will, now disintegrating much like the ground beneath me.
Face to face I came, with a woman of whom I knew better than any other.
“My dear you think too many thoughts” me said to I, or perhaps I said to me “an over consideration of contrived cognition”
“My pet you fret too often” she uttered from my lips.
“My Dove you mustent look at life with such intensity, you must rule the kingdome of your mind, not be enslaved by it” Were me’s final words before I vanished again, thrust in to another sea of thought, but this was my own abundance, and here I ruled Queen…………
All tangled in his tongue
All full of wine her words betray her
confessing her felt pen amendment
moving farther away from her intentions
a new conquest each day, as another fades away
not forever, just for today.
What it is, it’s so conceptual, so two dimentional
what and who she really wants is still debatable
a conflict of interest, a constant hinderance.
fleeting thoughts, her wings beat bruises deep in to her heart
freedom verses love.
